


Feeling Feelings

by cosmic_llin



Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Early in Canon, F/F, Feelings, Pre-Femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-07-08
Packaged: 2019-06-07 05:48:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15212537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmic_llin/pseuds/cosmic_llin
Summary: Michael comforts Tilly when the gravity goes out in their quarters.Written for tin-can-spaceship in Round 22 of the Trek Rarepair Swap.





	Feeling Feelings

Michael, lying awake in the darkness as she often does, sees the faint emergency lights flicker on before she even feels the familiar lurch of the gravity failing. She grabs the safety strap near the bed to secure her position, feeling the blanket slither slowly away.

From the other bed there’s a thump and a whimper.

‘Tilly?’ she says. ‘Are you all right?’

‘What… what happened?’ says Tilly’s voice, sleepy and confused.

‘Gravity’s out,’ says Michael.

‘Oh, shit! Oh… fuck…’

‘Tilly, it’s going to be fine.’

‘I… I don’t…’

‘Tilly… is this your first time?’

‘No,’ says Tilly’s wobbly voice through the darkness. ‘I did all the required zero-g drills at the Academy… even though I had to do three in one week at the end because they were fast-tracking me and there wasn’t time for breaks in between… and let me tell you, that was no picnic...’

‘But this is your first time on Discovery, your first time that wasn’t a drill?’

‘... yeah.’

‘Don’t be scared.’

‘I’m not  _ scared _ , Michael.’

Michael rolls her eyes. ‘Even I can tell that’s not true.’

There’s no response but a heavy, shuddering sigh.

‘What’s the protocol for handling this situation?’ Michael asks.

‘Remain calm, remain in a safe position until otherwise notified, secure any heavy objects if possible.’

‘Are you holding onto your safety strap? Are your belongings stowed correctly?’

‘Yeah.’

‘Then we’ve done everything we need to do.’

Michael’s eyes adjust to the gloom, showing her Tilly clinging to the strap for dear life, her eyes wide. Michael nods encouragingly at her.

‘I guess I am just a little scared,’ Tilly admits.

‘I thought you loved feeling feelings?’ Michael says, making sure to smile a little so that Tilly knows she means it to be gentle teasing, not an insult.

Tilly actually laughs at that, shakily. ‘Most of them,’ she agrees. ‘Some are better than others.’

‘Which ones?’

‘That’s a really good question. Um… the feeling when you’ve just showered - a real one, not a sonic one - and you feel all squeaky-clean, and then you get into bed with fresh, cool sheets. That’s a pretty good one.’

Michael watches Tilly calm a little as she talks, her shoulders dropping from around her ears.

‘That’s a physical sensation,’ Michael says. ‘I thought we were talking about emotions.’

‘It’s all the same - some feelings are just more complicated than others.’

‘I’ll take your word for it. Tell me another one.’

‘Hmmm… have you ever had a cat?’

‘No. My foster-brother Spock had a sehlat. It’s a little different, I imagine.’

‘You love animals though, right? Well, there’s nothing quite like when you visit someone and they have a cat that hates everyone and everything, and they warn you not to expect affection from the cat, and then the cat comes and sits in your lap and purrs.’

‘I can see how that would be a gratifying sensation.’

Tilly gives Michael a sideways look that she can’t interpret.

‘How about you?’ she asks. ‘What are your favourites?’

‘I’ve… never given it any thought,’ says Michael.

That’s not entirely true. She thinks of the taste of bubur cha cha, the routine of putting on her perfectly pressed robes for special occasions, the sensation of writing with real ink, the smoothness of the long loops and whorls.

‘There must be something,’ says Tilly.

‘All right,’ says Michael, because she can’t resist Tilly, why can she never say no to Tilly? ‘Amanda used to play the guitar, and I would sit beside her and read the music and turn the pages for her.’

Tilly smiles. ‘That sounds lovely,’ she says.

She looks as though she wants Michael to say more, but Michael can’t think what else to say.

‘Michael?’ Tilly says, when they’ve been silent a little while. ‘Do you ever get scared?’

‘Sometimes,’ Michael says matter-of-factly. ‘Even Vulcans get scared. They’re just better at ignoring it.’

‘How do you do that? Ignore it? ’

‘I could teach you certain Vulcan techniques. But in all honesty… it’s not always useful or desirable. Fear is a message. It helps you decide which situations are dangerous. If you suppress it entirely, you’re cutting yourself off from valuable information that could save your life someday.’

‘Huh. That makes sense, I guess.’

‘I’m glad you think so. It took me years to understand it.’

Tilly looks thoughtful.

‘Do you miss the Shenzhou a lot?’ she asks.

Michael can’t quite figure out why she doesn’t mind Tilly asking her these kinds of questions. But she really doesn’t. It feels natural to tell Tilly things, especially in this quiet, intimate darkness.

Maybe it’s because Tilly has never made her feel like she has to be ashamed. She takes Michael as she finds her. It’s a relief.

‘Yes,’ she says. ‘I miss the Shenzhou a lot. I think about it every day.’

‘What was it like?’

And suddenly Michael’s telling her everything - the story of her first meeting with Philippa, how she settled in with the crew, things she learned there. It pours out of her, like the words are coming from somewhere deep inside. Tilly nods and makes encouraging sounds, and Michael knows her words will be safe with her.

Tilly doesn’t speak again until Michael’s done.

‘Michael…’ she says, ‘I know we talked about it all, and I know it’s normal to feel this way, but… honestly I’m still pretty scared. Could we hold hands? Just until the gravity comes back? It’s all right if you’d rather not.’

‘Of course,’ says Michael.

She pushes away from her own safety strap and joins Tilly, securing herself before reaching out and taking Tilly’s hand in hers. Tilly’s hand is warm in the coolness of the room and it fits in Michael’s like they were sculpted from the same stone. Tilly squeezes and Michael squeezes back.

Tilly sighs. ‘Thanks,’ she says. ‘I already feel better. I just… like to be around people, y’know?’

It occurs to Michael that she wouldn’t have done this seven years ago. Even without Vulcan telepathy, she’d absorbed a lot of their cultural norms around touch. She still isn’t physically affectionate, most of the time. But Tilly seems to have slotted easily into the short list of people whose touch she doesn’t mind at all.

Perhaps it’s because of the way Tilly held her hand in Sickbay after her telepathic link with Sarek? The way she stayed by Michael’s side throughout that whole mission, like a warm, solid lifeline to the here and now? She reasons that there’s time to analyse it later if she wants to.

For now she just holds Tilly’s hand, and listens to her talk about whatever comes into her head, and when the gravity returns and they fall to the floor in a tangle of limbs and curly red hair, Tilly swearing colourfully, Michael even laughs, and Tilly laughs with her, and when they manage to break apart, Michael thinks that maybe she could stand to get closer to Tilly.


End file.
